what should i eat to ensure a long life?

meat or knives? who knows let's find out

a meta analysis carried out by a team of experts found that eating food lead to death in 100% of cases.

the list of food looked at in the study included, meat, vegan foods, chocolate, unhealthy foods, bananas, alcoholic beverages, avocados and all other food and drink known and available to man.

a popular 1970’s study conducted by the late robert science concluded that eating a diet of grains which were originally planted by cavemen would prevent death. unfortunately, this theory was later disproved by his unfortunate demise.

the latest trend, known as the ‘artisan cheese diet’, claims to be able to prevent death through a combination of hand crafted pro-biotic cheeses, and 7 minute naps. the evidence concludes that people on this diet feel less fulfilment in life, but their pretentiousness levels rises steadily the longer the diet is carried out. the results on death are still inconclusive.

it is, however, agreed by all sides of this debate that there is definitely something in our foods which is making us die. some people (vegans) have suggested that cows are purposefully eating low-dose poisons so that we pass away after indulging in the odd maccy d’s. others (juicers) think that the act of chewing foods is causing our hearts to get a bit tired and therefore we should concentrate on liquidising all our foods to give ourselves a little rest.

unfortunately, the few people that have tried not to eat any of the foods in an attempt to stay alive have also ended up as what scientists are terming ‘non-survivors’.

jan from yorkshire summed up the situation nicely by saying ‘we’re all gonna die so we might as well put on a good spread in the meantime’

this has been emily.

CAN YOU HELP ME FIND A MUG WITH A LID THAT DOESN'T MAKE MY COFFEE TASTE OF PLASTIC?

Hey Kimberly.

I want to kick off with a bit of empathy here, because there's almost nothing worse than plasticky coffee. You can take the most expensive bat-shit coffee and mix it with double cream, but if you're drinking it out of plastic, the smoky, nutty flavour is instantly transformed into a very weird 'salesman't hot car' taste which, surely, reduces productivity and morale in the workplace?

Luckily, I've been here many times and have got a few suggestions for you. My personal preference is to buy a deeply offensive mug, and just give people direct eye contact while drinking from it. But mine doesn't have a lid - so here are a few that are tailored to meet your needs...

If you're feminine, but not twee

Enhance you're 'I AM AN ADULT' side with this Caffè Club Floral Cornflow Coffee To Go Mug 0.35l, Villery & Boch, £24.90

This Villeroy & Boch 'to go' porcelain mug with lid is the grown-up version of a Starbucks cup. Look at that delicate floral trellis, the badassary of the ergonomic lid design. The best news is that the lid is ceramic, so a little sturdier than the mug itself, and is easy to sip from on the go. I'd say that the only downside is, if you find yourself having to stand during your commute to work (i.e. you're a Londoner) you will probably drop it, or smash it against someone's face when they don't let the passengers exit the train before boarding.

If you only drink fresh herbal rose-petal infused spice tea

Why have a social teapot when you can feel forever alone with this mug / tea Strainer YO-YO Set, Bodum, £13            

Ok Kim, I'm very well aware that you stipulated that it was coffee that you like to drink, but this Bodum mug + strainer is just too pretentious to leave out. You put whatever fucking weird tea is available at your nearest specialist exotic tea shop in the lil' net bit, clip on the lid and strut around London like the hipster you are. I'm sure you can shove some Kenco in there too and it'll do the same job.

If you're a viking

Vintage wooden Scandinavian tankard, Etsy, £26

I don't want to rule out the possibility that you're a viking, and in all honesty, this wooden tankard is a fucking bargain, so even if you're not - it might be worth investing in it just to house loose pennies or discarded lighters.

I like the idea of aggressively sitting there drinking coffee at my desk with a steaming lidded stein that's CARVED OUT OF WOOD. Also drinking out of this will be entertaining on a packed Jubilee line train. You might want to enhance your look a little bit to ensure that people understand the situation, and your unique heritage.

If you're a classy, working woman who just wants to get shit done

12oz reusable glass coffee cup, Joco, £22.99

Ok this is the real deal. Joco have dedicated their entire business into answering your question, thereby solving your problem. Their beautiful glasses keep that coffee tasting delish, but the rubber coating on the lid and the sleeve ensure it never gets too hot, and not a single drop is spilled. They come in three sizes that handily match barista measurements (sometimes I do think in terms of grande / venti when choosing a mug) and there are about 100,000,000 different colours too. This is one of the classiest things i've ever seen - I would probably fancy someone who had this if I saw them walking along the street, unless I could sense that the coffee they were drinking contained soy milk and/or vanilla syrup. That would be a turn off.

You're an 100 year old woman

Richard Ginori 1735 Val D'orcia mug with lid, £105 - for the woman who likes to sit down and not move while drinking

When you said you needed this mug for 'work', did you actually mean you needed it for sitting around in your country estate, surrounded by priceless paintings, waiting for old age to take you 'beyond the grave'? If not, sorry for the misunderstanding, but just in case I thought i'd put this pensioner-millionaire appropriate mug in front of you, just in case you like delicately hand-painted china and vintage paintings of grapes.

Hope this was helpful - let me know if you decide to go with any of them. Personally - for me - it's the tankard.

This has been Hannah.

X

IF YOU COULD THINK OF A REALLY GOOD QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

rodders - you seem like you've seen a few good questions in your life.

like socrates once said 'the more dece questions you hear the more dece questions you're gonna ask' and it sounds like you two have a lot in common.

there isn't really a relevant picture for this question, so instead here is one of me looking at you patronisingly after you asked me this question 

me on the other hand,  i mainly answer questions myself, so the thought of asking one - well i don't even know how to begin that process.

bear with me, i'm going to have to think about this logically. people only ask questions when they:

a) don't know the answer and think the person/people they're asking does
b) are interested in the person's/peoples answer specifically
c) don't think anyone knows the answer but thinks the answer should be found*

that first option is pretty good but does anyone really know anything that i don't know?**

the second option is also good because i am very nosy - who aint - but a really good question in this section requires a really good answer and all the things i want to know people probably wouldn't tell me.

now this third option. this is where the really clever/pretentious/interesting/life changing/ground breaking/floor shaking/earth quaking/breath taking/bloo graking/shmoo praking questions come into play. you can be really proud of yourself if you ask one of these. so yeah, if i could think of a really good question it would definitely be one of these and it would be really good.

but roderick (can i call you by your full name?) i'm in a canteen that smells like jacket potatoes at the moment and it's not my job to think of questions anyway***. its yours. so stop delegating. i've had it up to here with you getting me to do your job for you. whilst we're on the subject you can do your own laundry from now on. and a thank you card wouldn't go amiss. and maybe a jacket potato.

this has been emily.

*note: yes yes yes yes yes i know there probably is more but come on gimme a break, i'm writing this in a canteen that smells like jacket potatoes and... well that's excuse enough surely.
**note: why do you keep calling me out on these things rod? it was a joke for crying out loud. all i know is that i got a bundle of gcses and everything i've learnt since then seemed like 20% serious and 80% a huge pretentious inside joke.
***note: if you really want to know, my favourite question is 'what the......?' It can pretty much cover anything if you ask it at the right time. try it out for yourself sometime.

WILL DUNGAREES SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS?

aisha aisha aisha.

dungarees, overalls (i wanted to do a stylistic list of all the names here but that’s pretty much it covered, isn’t it?) how much power do they have?

it’s a good question - I have a feeling you already know the answer, but let’s go through the evidence anyway:

 1.  problem: i want a lie-in but styling an outfit in five minutes is too hard. solution: dungarees.

as you can see, they're all in one

let’s start with the obvious – it’s a top and trousers all in one. all in one. it's like the soup (drink and food all in one) of the fashion world. how can this be a bad thing? you wake up in the morning and you decide ‘today I’m wearing dungarees’ and that’s pretty much it - the top half already matches with the bottom because it’s all in one. if you want, that's your whole outfit done, or alternatively, you can also wear anything underneath. that's right - anything - because the top already matches with the bottom, because it’s all. in. one.

2.  problem: I don’t have enough money to buy new clothes for every occasion/season. solution: dungarees.

canadian president stephen harper wishing he wore dungarees as well

you can literally go to any occasion wearing dungarees and you will look great. i challenge everyone to find any other 'clothe' that can claim this.

on the beach – bikini and dunagrees

work – white shirt and dunagrees

casual winter – roll neck and dungarees

causal summer – crop top and dungarees

wedding – dungarees and veil

 3. problem: i spill shit everywhere. solution: dungarees.

someone trying to cover up a spillage for no reason

aisha, you don’t have to worry about spillages any more! the bit that goes up from the trousers is actually called a bib so it’s basically just telling you to go wild and reach for that jam doughnut you've been eyeing up. 

4.   problem: i don’t suit loads of trends out there because the media says these things don’t suit my body/face/gender/race/class/hair/ear lobe length/voice pitch. solution: dungarees.

as malleable as ya get

there will literally be dungarees to suit you even if you are a 1cm micro-organism or something else that probably can’t just slip into the latest nasty gal mini dress.

unlike bodycons, dungarees offer a style that suits anyone. baggy, tight, short, long, denim, cotton, and lets not forget the dungaree dress which literally looks great on everyone c’mon.

 5. problem: I don’t know how to be cool but I really want to be cool. solution: dungarees.

look at her go

you will look cool without having to think about what you’re wearing 

alexa chung and danielle bernstein (of weworewhat) always wear them and they are two of the coolest people around.*

  6.  problem: sometimes i worry my top will just fly off and then i’ll be really embarrassed. solution: dungarees.

whoops. oh no wait it's fine

unlike most other tops, if this one falls off then it’s totally fine cause you can totally wear it like that as well. totally.

 7. problem: sometimes I don’t have somewhere on my body where I can transport a tampon to the toilet without just holding it in my hand. solution: dungarees.

i've got two flapjacks in here for later

you're sitting at your desk at school/work/prison and you wanna go sort yourself out. now you could be one of these women that just takes her whole bag to the toilet but c'mon you might as well just carry a packet of always with you if you're gonna do that. girls clothes don't have pockets**. but dungarees do, usually many, for all the tampons you need. 

so aisha, i think the conclusion here is pretty darn obvious if you ask me:

of course dunagrees won’t solve all your problems. i don't want to be the bearer of bad news but a lot of problems you will face over your life time will be out of your control. we both know a piece of material is not going to stop you getting diarrhoea on the day of your wedding or fix your boiler or get your sister to forgive you for gradually stealing and then losing her hair slides*** is it aisha?

this has been emily.

*note: for some serious dungaree inspo check these two ladies out, they've got it covered. 

**note: no this is not an exaggeration.
***note: don't worry this is not a prediction, hopefully none of these will happen to you. especially the wedding one - it's weird that statistically that situation has happened to someone before though. maybe it was the woman in the dungarees with the veil. maybe she thought dungarees would solve her food poisoning but it didn't. who knows aisha. who knows.

WHY DID THE BUTTERFLY FLUTTER BY?

Hah, Gabby. I can see you're a philosopher.

Of course you would ask one of the age-old questions of yore.

For centuries, mathematicians, biologists and entomologists have studied why butterflies, as you so eloquently put it, 'flutter by'. But we still don't know.

So, instead of actually answering your question - i'm going to just throw something in from left field for a second - i'm not even sure that butterflies exist.

The only butterfly i've ever actually seen in real life

Cabbage butterflies exist - i'll give you that, but in reality these are basically just less disgusting moths. They're not as hairy and they don't make a 'thwack' sound when they heavily land on your curtain in the middle of the night, causing you to wake up with the terrible realisation that you're not alone, and that you're now sharing your room with a deeply evil demon.

But you know you see those pictures of butterflies that have fucking geometric patterns or faces on their wings? Who has actually seen one of those in real life? I think this is a conspiracy theory, created by scientists, to stop people from rising up and demanding that we wipe out all insects and arachnids and other horrific crawlers and creepers.

Sorry but I just don't believe it for a second

Butterflies don't just come with H&M style prints casually decorated on their wings, surely? I've seen so called 'photographs' of a butterfly with a distinct resemblance to a certain 2001 Matthew Williamson collection. It made me think that somewhere, somehow, hoards of graphic designers are chained to Macs, being forced to create more and more elaborate 'photographs' of exotic butterflies on Photoshop. They were probably originally just snaps of grimy old moths, settling on a dying leaf. Amazing what a bit of colour saturation can do.

Another example of clever photoshopping to convince us that elephant butterflies exist

Actually, let's get really granular with this for a second. What does fluttering even mean? Aside from these so called 'butterflies' - what else actually flutters? The only example I can think of is eyelashes, but their fluttering is kind of static. You don't 'flutter by' with your eyelashes - that makes me think of walking past someone, back and forth, quite quickly, while blinking very fast - which is not very alluring. You just flutter them, probably while standing pretty close to them. And you don't flutter them for too long otherwise the other person goes 'Oh no, do you have something in your eye?' and then you have to pretend that you do, because it's too embarrassing to explain that you were purposefully fluttering your eyelashes at them.

Well, I think i've answered your question, anyway, Gabby. Yeah? When it boils down to the facts, it turns out that butterflies don't exist, and even if they did (moths) they wouldn't flutter anyway, because they're not a pair of eyelashes.

Hope that's helped with your dilemma.

This has been Hannah.

'WHERE CAN I BUY A BROWN BELT?"

hi there harry hitchens aka 'hitch' or 'the hitchster' to his friends.

thanks for writing in and being our first ever questioner. for this massive feat please see details below for what you have won*.

as to your question 'where can i buy a brown belt?' let me get to your well earned answer.

1. you can buy a brown belt at most of your local high street stores or online retailers.  but i'm sure a young man like you knows his way around the world wide web so i won't patronise you!**

2. now don't get me wrong, i could leave it there. feel free to stop reading and get on with your day. but see below for brown belt related discussions:

- what type of brown belt should i be buying, i hear you not ask? well let me break it down for you.

the canvas statement

a) well, there's the canvas belt. unless you're twelve and it came with the slightly too long shorts that your mum bought for you from fat face, then this option is not okay.  the fact that you feel the need to be able to adjust the belt so easily shows that you just don't care about life enough - if you're not willing to just choose a belt tightness and stick to it all day, well how are you going to stick to a career? a woman? a fitness regime?

the studded number

b) any belt with shit stuck onto it is making you look like someone who doesn't know how to have a good time. anyone that knows how to have a good time doesn't need to have stuff stuck on their belt, it just doesn't make sense. you can't replace a personality with studs, we can all see right through it.***

the crocodile one

c) wearing something animal textured doesn't make you one i'm afraid. put the pointed boots away and unless we're talking a very faint pattern with a very plain outfit, then put the belt down and say see you later crocodile, in a while alligator.

the plain jane

d)  you don't even want to buy a belt though do you.



have a good bank holiday, maybe treat yourself to a starbucks or something.

this has been emily.


* note:  you have won unlimited answered questions (i know, great right?) and also maybe like a postcard if you really want one but i'm just gonna draw a smiley face on it or something shit like that.
** note:  i will give you this top tip though: no need to put the double you double double you at the the beginning of your web address anymore! the internet just knows what you mean cause we've got a connection with it now.
*** note:  not the belt. we can't see through the belt. i know that.

how to self-indulge?

hi guys,

hope all is dandy and well with all none of you.

as i sit here wondering, or even pondering some might say*, whether to take a picture of my cool coffee and laptop set-up in this trendy cafe in london, i can't help but think - are we letting self-indulgence go too far?**

don't get me wrong, i can't deny the enjoyment i get looking at the beautiful picture of a lipstick someone has taken on a piece of white card next to a rose. its like an ascetic, virtual, calming hug.

it gives us that nice balance between 'wow i can't wait to one day be as cool as this person with their cappuccino and white sheets and bare legs' and 'fuck i really need to stop lying around in these joggers i bought in 2001 and pull my life together.' 

but back to the person taking the photo: straining their arms in the air to get that perfect birds eye view*** - standing in front of a strangers beaut white mansion to get an ootd -  letting their avo toast get cold whilst they get the perfectly fuzzed background. how are they justifying it to themselves?

i guess the thousands of likes and instagram fame is enough to get you to power through but does it feel good? do people feel satisfied and accomplished? do people feel like they added something to the world by uploading that 4th selfie this week?

how does a blogger in this age of blogging separate the idea of business promotion and self promotion?

i'd be interested to know all your thoughts on this

*note: why the f dont people say 'ponder' anymore? 

** note: yes

*** note: is this how people do it? or do they have some kind of weird sexy live in photographer to take pictures of them relaxing cause that's what i'm picturing right now.