WHY DID THE BUTTERFLY FLUTTER BY?

Hah, Gabby. I can see you're a philosopher.

Of course you would ask one of the age-old questions of yore.

For centuries, mathematicians, biologists and entomologists have studied why butterflies, as you so eloquently put it, 'flutter by'. But we still don't know.

So, instead of actually answering your question - i'm going to just throw something in from left field for a second - i'm not even sure that butterflies exist.

The only butterfly i've ever actually seen in real life

Cabbage butterflies exist - i'll give you that, but in reality these are basically just less disgusting moths. They're not as hairy and they don't make a 'thwack' sound when they heavily land on your curtain in the middle of the night, causing you to wake up with the terrible realisation that you're not alone, and that you're now sharing your room with a deeply evil demon.

But you know you see those pictures of butterflies that have fucking geometric patterns or faces on their wings? Who has actually seen one of those in real life? I think this is a conspiracy theory, created by scientists, to stop people from rising up and demanding that we wipe out all insects and arachnids and other horrific crawlers and creepers.

Sorry but I just don't believe it for a second

Butterflies don't just come with H&M style prints casually decorated on their wings, surely? I've seen so called 'photographs' of a butterfly with a distinct resemblance to a certain 2001 Matthew Williamson collection. It made me think that somewhere, somehow, hoards of graphic designers are chained to Macs, being forced to create more and more elaborate 'photographs' of exotic butterflies on Photoshop. They were probably originally just snaps of grimy old moths, settling on a dying leaf. Amazing what a bit of colour saturation can do.

Another example of clever photoshopping to convince us that elephant butterflies exist

Actually, let's get really granular with this for a second. What does fluttering even mean? Aside from these so called 'butterflies' - what else actually flutters? The only example I can think of is eyelashes, but their fluttering is kind of static. You don't 'flutter by' with your eyelashes - that makes me think of walking past someone, back and forth, quite quickly, while blinking very fast - which is not very alluring. You just flutter them, probably while standing pretty close to them. And you don't flutter them for too long otherwise the other person goes 'Oh no, do you have something in your eye?' and then you have to pretend that you do, because it's too embarrassing to explain that you were purposefully fluttering your eyelashes at them.

Well, I think i've answered your question, anyway, Gabby. Yeah? When it boils down to the facts, it turns out that butterflies don't exist, and even if they did (moths) they wouldn't flutter anyway, because they're not a pair of eyelashes.

Hope that's helped with your dilemma.

This has been Hannah.

'WHERE CAN I BUY A BROWN BELT?"

hi there harry hitchens aka 'hitch' or 'the hitchster' to his friends.

thanks for writing in and being our first ever questioner. for this massive feat please see details below for what you have won*.

as to your question 'where can i buy a brown belt?' let me get to your well earned answer.

1. you can buy a brown belt at most of your local high street stores or online retailers.  but i'm sure a young man like you knows his way around the world wide web so i won't patronise you!**

2. now don't get me wrong, i could leave it there. feel free to stop reading and get on with your day. but see below for brown belt related discussions:

- what type of brown belt should i be buying, i hear you not ask? well let me break it down for you.

the canvas statement

a) well, there's the canvas belt. unless you're twelve and it came with the slightly too long shorts that your mum bought for you from fat face, then this option is not okay.  the fact that you feel the need to be able to adjust the belt so easily shows that you just don't care about life enough - if you're not willing to just choose a belt tightness and stick to it all day, well how are you going to stick to a career? a woman? a fitness regime?

the studded number

b) any belt with shit stuck onto it is making you look like someone who doesn't know how to have a good time. anyone that knows how to have a good time doesn't need to have stuff stuck on their belt, it just doesn't make sense. you can't replace a personality with studs, we can all see right through it.***

the crocodile one

c) wearing something animal textured doesn't make you one i'm afraid. put the pointed boots away and unless we're talking a very faint pattern with a very plain outfit, then put the belt down and say see you later crocodile, in a while alligator.

the plain jane

d)  you don't even want to buy a belt though do you.



have a good bank holiday, maybe treat yourself to a starbucks or something.

this has been emily.


* note:  you have won unlimited answered questions (i know, great right?) and also maybe like a postcard if you really want one but i'm just gonna draw a smiley face on it or something shit like that.
** note:  i will give you this top tip though: no need to put the double you double double you at the the beginning of your web address anymore! the internet just knows what you mean cause we've got a connection with it now.
*** note:  not the belt. we can't see through the belt. i know that.